Discover vs. Defend Mode. Is your child thriving?
In the last few decades, parenting has changed dramatically. Somewhere in the 90’s, parents decided that the real world was too dangerous. They thought children should not be allowed to explore the world without supervision for fear of injury, abduction, or worse.
At the same time, it was too difficult to monitor our children in the digital world, and they were allowed to roam freely where threats were everywhere.
If we want our children to thrive, we should delay their entry into this digital world and send them out to play in the real one instead.
Children are wired in two modes: discover mode and defend mode. We have evolved with these two modes to help us survive and thrive in the natural world. We are wired like wild animals to be curious and explorative during times of abundance and fearful and conservative during times of famine and danger. Discover mode is activated if a wild animal comes across a ripe fruit tree. It would be filled with excitement and joy. Its appetite would awaken, and it would tell all its friends to come and feast with them. This mode would encourage more playfulness, exploration, curiosity, and joy.
Defend mode is activated if a wild animal hears a tiger roar nearby while eating the fruit. Their appetite is suppressed, and their bodies are flooded with stress hormones. They are consumed with thoughts of survival and how to escape from the threat of the tiger. There is no room for curiosity, growth, joy, or anything other than immediate survival.
In social animals like humans, our default setting is what shapes a large part of our personality. People who live in discover mode are happier, more social, and eager for new experiences.
People who go through life in defend mode are more anxious and defensive. They tend to see new ideas, situations, and people as potential threats rather than opportunities. This is a huge obstacle to curiosity and growth in children.
If we want our kids to be joyful and successful, shifting them into discover mode might be one of the most significant changes we can make.
Let’s compare the two modes using the example of your child going to college orientation. If your child is in discover mode, they would be curious and constantly looking for exciting new opportunities. They would be like a kid in a candy shop! The main vibe they would be giving off to the people around them would be, “Stand back and let me do this; I’m excited to grow!”
If your child is in defend mode, it would look different. They would constantly scan the environment for potential threats. They would cling to their family, roommate, or group and adopt their way of thinking rather than their own. The main vibe they would give to adults around her would be, “Keep me safe!” This situation does not lead to a successful college experience. They have a higher likelihood of being anxious, depressed, and dropping out.
The play-based childhood that I and most older millennials (or older) had shifted our brains to the discover mode. The spike in technology in the 2010s has shifted to a phone-based childhood, causing our children to be in defend mode. Social media and having the world in your pocket triggers this defend mode. When you think about it, what is a social media post? It is you posting a photo for the world to give their approval or express their disgust. It is openly allowing the world to judge you. That is scary! When kids are wired to see that this constant judgment is normal and idolized, it creates a continuous cycle of defend mode.
So what can you do about it?
· Delay smartphones and social media until at least 16 years old.
· Increase the amount of unsupervised playtime.
· Stop using social media yourself, or at least don’t use it in front of your kids.
· Minimize online video gaming, ideally less than one hour per week.
This conversation is incredibly deep and beyond the limitations of an internet article. If you have any interest in this topic, I strongly recommend that you read The Anxious Generation. That book changed my personal, professional, and parenting life. Every parent should read it.
